How Harry Ruined Everything
by Backward Mind
Summary: An adult Harry gets hold of a magical Time-Turner and ends up at Hogwarts, back when he was a student. In attempt to make his school life less hectic, Harry spoils the year's events on the first day of term! (From years one to seven)
1. Chapter 1

_How Harry Ruined Everything_

**Prologue**

**I really hope that you'll like this little (or not so little) parody!**

**I do not own Harry Potter or My Immortal or any other copyrighted topic I use in this fanfiction.**

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Once upon a time, in the faraway land of Narnia, erm, I mean England, there was a man named Harry Potter. He had black hair and green eyes. Oh, and he also had a wife named Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way. His wife was not related to Gerald Way, although she wishes she was.

Wait. Did I just say that Harry was married to a 'goffick' girl? Sorry. I meant to say that he had a wife named Ginny Potter. Harry's wife was related to Ronald Weasley, although she wishes she wasn't.

So one day, it was Harry's birthday. He was going to have a birthday party with a clown and balloon animals! Harry was terribly excited. He had invited all his wives, I mean neighbours to join the fun. All his neighbours were terribly excited.

On the day of the death-_BIRTH_day, Harry put on some of Gilderoy Lockhart's old lilac coloured robes and waited for his guests. His robes were from Gilderoy Lockhart, obviously. Harry thought it was a result of his former professor's kind heart and his high second year Potions, erm, Defense Against the Dark Arts marks that had gotten him these robes. Even though Harry clearly thinks this, we cannot know for sure because Mr. Lockhart was regretfully not in his right mind when Harry received these robes as a present.

Soon, the party had started. The house was still empty thirty minutes into the party. Besides Harry and Ginny, everyone else had taken one look at the clown and fled, leaving a present on the floor. It seemed as the neighbours were not as excited anymore.

Harry and Ginny still had a great time playing in the ball pit and the bouncy house. They were thankfully unfazed by the lack of attendance.

After the party had ended, Harry attacked the massive pile of presents with a fervor known only to exist in sloths. He slowly devoured each present except for one. The last present was wrapped in sparkly rainbow paper and tied with a shiny rainbow bow that read 'I am Gay.'

"Wow!" shrieked Harry. "A present from a gay bloke! How unbelievably cool is that?!"

Instead of eating his last present, Harry tore open the gift and removed the shiny Time-Turner with the rainbow sand. He shook it happily.

Ginny watched happily as her husband was sucked into a glittering multicoloured hole.

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**I hope you like it! Tell me what you think!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello, guys! Listen. I really need you to review. That way I can tell if you like or dislike the story. I know I cannot force you to review, so I can only ask. Thanks for reading.**

Harry landed on his butt in front of Hogwarts. It hurt. In front of him, plastered on the wall of the gigantic putty castle, was a neon-light up sign. On it were the words: 'Welcome Back to your First Year, Harry!'

Harry laughed and looked around. His surroundings were the same as his first year. The highly addictive Firewhisky spewing tree was still there. Alcoholics from all over the wizarding world were gathered around it, holding out cups and flagons. They seemed to be toasting it in some way. The giant marshmallow squid was still flying around. (The objective of every Quidditch game in Hogwarts was to catch a marshmallow flying from it. Once every member of a team had done so, everyone ate marshmallows and sang Justin Bieber and One Direction. It was a very exciting time.)

At the same time, Harry felt bad that he had to be scarred by Voldemort in his first year. He really wanted to do something for himself that ensured him a safe first year of school. Harry knew it involved ratting out Quirrel in some way, but he was not quite so sure.

Then he knew it! He would bribe Quirrel with his wife! That way, Quirrel and Ginny would go happily traipsing off to Middle Land, and would not cause any more evil in their sadistic lives. There was only one flaw in the plan. Ginny was not here and Harry had no way to communicate with her.

It was then Harry had another brilliant plan! He would unwrap Quirrel's turban during the Start of Term feast, and everyone would see what was behind Quirrel's head! It was a brilliant idea, and Harry could not wait until the start of term feast. He just had to find out what day it was, and how he would do the pony pokey, erm, launch the surprise missile, erm, attack.

The neon welcome board now flashed a date and time. September first, 1990. The time is now: 4:00 PM. The letters were blue and glowing very brightly.

"All _Right_! Only two hours until the start of term feast!" Harry bounced happily around and proceeded to walk around until six.

When the last student had filed into the Hall, Harry himself made his grand entrance.

"DEATH EATER!" he screamed, pointing at Quirrel.

"Unwrap his turban! He's evil, I swear! That man is after the Philosopher's Stone! "Dumbledore, you've got to do something!" Although Harry was half sunken into the putty floors, he still screamed relentlessly.

All the students stared at him, while Quirrel was trying desperately to keep calm.

"How may I help you?" Dumbledore stared at his piece of treacle tart as he spoke.

"Oh, so you want to be eaten? Alright." Dumbledore shoved the piece of tart in his mouth and chewed.

"Professor!" Harry shouted, "Quirrel is a death eater! Remove his turban!"

But Dumbledore was too busy eating his Jell-O to notice Harry's warning.

The other Gamemakers were too busy eating their roast pig, so Harry shot an arrow at the apple. I mean the Professors. The Professors were eating the roast pig. Does that make at least a tidbit of sense?

Infuriated with the professors' lack of attention, Harry ran up to Quirrel and snatched his turban away. Quirrel screamed as all the students cheered and threw gummy bears and Oreos at his head. Then he died.

As Dumbledore was standing up to thank his Jell-O for being such a wonderful treat, Harry was sucked into the 'Gay Hole' and flew away.

**Well, there you go. Thanks to all that have followed this fanfiction. Remember to review and tell me what you think. **


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